i reflect...
i look ahead, eyes fixed on Jesus.
I cracked. I cracked on Mother's day. A Mother's day with surgery looming for my precious momma and I totally blew it. Oh man. I think I blew it. Like a tea kettle, I just exploded with built up pressure that I didn't even realize was there. I just wanted her to rest and take a break before surgery...with me. JUST TAKE A BREAK!!! But, really what I was saying was that I needed a break. I needed to rest, and I wanted to spend time relaxing with her. Maybe I wanted to get away, pretend surgery wasn't coming...that she didn't really have cancer.
Stress is a funny thing. It creeps. And I busy myself so I don't have to think about it...and it creeps.
Luckily my mom and sis are gracious women. My sister quieted me and encouraged me. I was embarassed. We laughed afterward...like a crazy person...I laughed.
I bit off WAY more than I could chew last week, thought I was superwoman, and thought I could skate by without paying attention to the hurt. I was hurting deeply. I was worried.
I thought if I hurt or worried that I wasn't trusting God somehow. I thought if I worried or hurt, I would give God a bad rap. (P.S. He doesn't need my help in giving Him a good reputation. haha)
My Grandma so gently said yesterday, while praying in the waiting room...Shelly, have you ever read Psalms? Have you read how David cried out to God in turmoil? Have you ever read how Job cried out?
It's ok.
You are human.
I cried. A calm came over me. I relaxed. A weight was lifted. Why is there no weight heavier than the one we put on ourselves?
So surgery is over, no complications. They removed the cancer in both her breast and 17 lymphnodes. She came through beautifully. And in Debbie fashion, as she wakes up from anesthesia she is commenting on how cute the pink ruffled tube top is, that they gave her. So funny...so adorable. So we take her home. Can you believe its an outpatient surgery?? nuts.
She is sleeping a lot. Something she needs. She is on pain meds, so no complaints so far. She has my beautiful Grandmother and Grandfather there to care for her...fix her meals, play family movies, and keep her company. Jeff is working during the day, taking care of her in the evening, and handing out meds at night. I pray for his strength. He loves her. It makes me happy.
Thank you for your prayers. I will update you as soon as we know more.
What is to be expected, you say?
They are hoping for a quick recovery from this so that they can start administering chemotherapy and radiation. This will be quite a process, and we don't know until Monday what particular therapy they will be using of each. The reason they want to keep this on schedule is so that they can start working on her brain tumor this Fall.
We also just found out that my sweet daughter Grace's cleft pallet repair surgery is now scheduled for August. So, we will be praying double time!
Oh 2011.
Here is a scripture God gave me yesterday...confirming what my grandma had said. Man He is faithful!!! Amazing in my weakness.
Psalm 69
1 Save me, O God!
For the waters have come up to my neck.
2 I sink in deep mire,
Where there is no standing;
I have come into deep waters,
Where the floods overflow me.
3 I am weary with my crying;
My throat is dry;
My eyes fail while I wait for my God.
5 O God, You know my foolishness;
And my sins are not hidden from You.
6 Let not those who wait for You, O Lord GOD of hosts, be ashamed because of me;
Let not those who seek You be confounded because of me, O God of Israel.
13 But as for me, my prayer is to You,
O LORD, in the acceptable time;
O God, in the multitude of Your mercy,
Hear me in the truth of Your salvation.
14 Deliver me out of the mire,
And let me not sink;
Let me be delivered from those who hate me,
And out of the deep waters.
15 Let not the floodwater overflow me,
Nor let the deep swallow me up;
And let not the pit shut its mouth on me.
16 Hear me, O LORD, for Your lovingkindness is good;
Turn to me according to the multitude of Your tender mercies.
17 And do not hide Your face from Your servant,
For I am in trouble;
Hear me speedily.
18 Draw near to my soul, and redeem it;
29b Let Your salvation, O God, set me up on high.
30 I will praise the name of God with a song,
And will magnify Him with thanksgiving.
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