Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I cling to your promises


"Did mom get ahold of you yet?"
was the message.
My heart sank. I knew something was wrong.
I knew something was wrong. My stomach hurt.

Lord,
My mom has a brain tumor.?.
seriously?

I'm on the phone explaining every detail I know to yet, another person. It sounds heartless, cold, and medical.
But, its all I can do. Because if I really show how I'm feeling. I won't be able to function, communicate, or pick up my kids.
So, I hang up, a little sting in my eyes, and a knot in my throat.
crap.
Is it real? Does it mean its real if I allow myself to cry? What will happen if I allow my self to fully emotionally explore what these precious last few days mean.
Every day is few and precious...every day is fragile. Yet, I'm face to face with a real, tangible enemy...a tumor.
A tumor that threatens a beautiful life... a life that is intertwined with mine. She is mine...not just a life. She is MY mom. My momma.
My mom has a tumor.
See...I didn't even want to go here. I'm ready to celebrate her any day...but not like this. Not like this. This is not one of those letters I want to write to remember her every good quality. One you hear read about a distant person, whom you will soon forget. No...she will live.

Gavin just hurt his finger, numb inside, I sit on the floor and hold him while he cries. I'm staring at the floor. Rubbing his back, I'm lost in thought. What is happening? God, I'm sad and afraid to live a life without her in it. I profess that You are in control. I profess that I believe heaven is better. Do I believe it? Do I believe it now? Does she?
Yes.
Yes, my hope is still in You. Yes, my pain is real, but Your love is even more tangible right now.

I cling to your promises...
Acts 17:24-28
24 Him I proclaim to you:God, who made the world and everything in it, since He is Lord of heaven and earth, does not dwell in temples made with hands. 25 Nor is He worshiped with men’s hands, as though He needed anything, since He gives to all life, breath, and all things. 26 And He has made from one blood every nation of men to dwell on all the face of the earth, and has determined their preappointed times and the boundaries of their dwellings, 27 so that they should seek the Lord, in the hope that they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us; 28 for in Him we live and move and have our being,

2 Chronicles 32:7
“Be strong and courageous; do not be afraid nor dismayed before the king of Assyria, nor before all the multitude that is with him; for there are more with us than with him. With him is an arm of flesh; but with us is the LORD our God, to help us and to fight our battles.”

Psalm 50:15
Call upon Me in the day of trouble;I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me.”

2 comments:

Patty said...

crying and praying with you..you are a great writer Shelly..thanks for expressing yourself so beautifully. love patty

barb Ezell said...

Praying & thanking God for love and eloquence