Tuesday, October 11, 2011


Lord, I love what is familiar...I love what I know. I want to stay in what I know & what is familiar. But you call! You call, so loudly, so clearly, so desperately that I am intrigued. I question why you call. I am fat with knowledge, fat with your word & oh so comfortable right here in what is familiar and what I know...especially how I know you. But I hear you & your getting louder & its unsettling. Why are you so desperate to get my attention? I'm curious, more than intrigued. So, I fatten up and this time questioning, am I missing something?
And there it is on the page, the very page I have read 100 times. But now listening with ears that want to hear.
You call me to go!! to move!! to walk!! to bring!! to run!! to follow!! Wait...I don't want to hear anymore.
But I've heard & now must make a choice.
But... I am comforted by what is familiar, by what I know. Maybe I'll just pretend I didn't hear Him or overthink it to the point of confusion and then convince myself that I must really understand it all before I move & risk moving in the wrong direction. Days pass. I disobey. I don't listen to the call. I drown it out with lots of busyness & t.v. I am doing it my way and I am miserable. I've heard the call grow fainter. I'm afraid. Did I miss it? I thought I wanted to miss it but now I'm afraid that I did. I turned from the Holy, creator of the universe & exercised my will to say NO & I am now terrified to return. Unfulfilled, I head to His word, ashamed, timid & yet still longing for Him.
I open His word & there I see Him. So beautiful, running to me as I stumble to put one foot in front of the other. I come in faith that His redemptive offer still stands and that His blood can cover the multitude of sins that I just racked up! I am humbled to the point of pain. Sorrowed so deeply that I left Him & denied Him over & over.
Father, how can you receive me back? I am not worthy of your call. But still you call & I see it in your eyes that you have work for me...beyond my comfort zone...beyond what I know and what's familiar.
You call me to faith. You want me to trust you. You've earned my trust by the incredible love you show me, through your redeeming grace. The fact that your word is meant to light my path suggests that I am going somewhere! I am moving & there is a path that you have ordained for me while I was yet unformed. You call me to take a step, firmly on you my solid rock & step in faith, listening to the call, following your beautiful voice.
Thank you.
Thank you my God.

Hebrews 11:7
By faith Noah, being divinely warned of things not yet seen, moved with godly fear, prepared an ark for the saving of his household, by which he condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness which is according to faith.

Job 29:3
When His lamp shone upon my head, And when by His light I walked through darkness;

Hebrews 12:1
[ The Race of Faith ] Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,


Sharon said...

This is beautiful, Shelly. May you continue to follow close after Him as He leads you higher up and further in! I'm sure you know this, but there is nothing as rich and satisfying as the life of faith and obedience, even though sometimes that obedience sometimes takes us in directions that seem frightening or unwelcome at first. My husband's grandma recently died. She and her husband were veteran missionaries to Africa, but she resisted the call for a full year before finally surrendering to the Lord. But she always spoke of Africa with such love and joy, and it was clear that her decision to go was life-giving for her and her family and also for the thousands of people ultimately affected by her and her husband's ministry there.

Erica and Jay said...

Your living in your mission field. Your journey is touching those around you. Your faith is real and you have a way of putting everyday struggles into words. That is an amazing gift. Thank you for your honesty and thank God for His grace and forgiveness, and for giving us the freedom to choose. I love you dear sister. You inspire me.