Friday, July 22, 2011
I haven't posted in a while. This month i've felt the darkness, had more questions then answers, and saw the messiness that is my life. Now I can say with beautiful confidence...He gently led me through the darkness, even while I questioned Him all the way.
Yesterday, I kept picturing a tree with roots as I thought about this last month. Picture the roots as faith, breaking new ground as they dive deeper and deeper, and the tree and its branches as praise, giving Him glory in response. As the roots go deeper, the branches raise higher, the tree gets stronger, and is able to weather the storm. All because His grace planted the seed.
When I asked Jesus into my heart as a 7th grader I was this little sprout with all the faith I needed at that point. Though I've always prayed to grow deeper in my faith, I never understood the pain that came with breaking new ground...or atleast in this case. The ground that was broken felt cold, lonely, and frankly I questioned if this is how it was supposed to be. My questions led me to His word. His word is truth. I clung to the promises that He has NEVER broken.
The glorious part of this whole journey and I think the reward of breaking new ground was I had the privilege of experiencing that Yes, He is even here, in the deepest part. He is still here with me at this depth...so my faith grows and my arms raise with praise. I look forward to growing deeper still, no matter the cost, knowing that in His love He will be there.
Gracie had her cleft pallet surgery 2 days ago and just one day after my mom went in for her 4th round of chemo. We have waited 2 years for this surgery, and it took 3 cancellations for me to finally yield that I had no control and was along for the ride. So, I held it loosely, and then all of a sudden the doctor came in, cleared her, and they carried her away to surgery. It was a surreal moment of excitement and terror. The door closed and I thought... that was oddly easy. I just handed her over. Josh and I turned...walked hand in hand to the waiting room...filled with anxious parents. I grabbed for my bible and journal and had to walk outside while Josh napped. (He is such a good example to me...just rest. haha)
All I could do was look out the window. A song came into my heart( I love how He does that).
So I quietly sang...
If my heart is overwhelmed and I cannot hear Your voice
I'll hold on to what is true though I cannot see
If the storms of life they come & the road ahead gets steep
I will lift these hands in faith
I will believe
I remind myself of all that you've done
And the life I have because of your Son
Love came down and rescued me
Love came down and set me free
I am Yours
I am forever Yours
(Love Came Down by Brian Johnson)
I believe His love is deep. How can I KNOW how deep His love is unless I see it in the depths?
The smell of the hospital soap reminds me that we've been here before. It reminds me that He was faithful before.
I am thankful that He took me there. Thankful that He WAS with me. Thankful that my sweet Gracie was handed back to me, whole...all sewn-up and given a fresh start. What a complete joy she is and what a privilege it was to have 2 days with her alone, in the hospital to play dollies, hold her, and pray. She is one of the toughest little joyfilled girls I know. I am so in love with her and so proud to be her mama. God teaches me so much through her.
7 “ Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
And whose hope is the LORD.
8 For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters,
Which spreads out its roots by the river,
And will not fear when heat comes;
But its leaf will be green,
And will not be anxious in the year of drought,
Nor will cease from yielding fruit.
A verse about the wicked:
16 His roots are dried out below,
And his branch withers above.
Trust in the LORD, and do good;Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.
6 being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will (be faithful to)complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;